A subject I’ve wanted to write about for a while…

…Is also the one I have been the most hesitant about posting.

It is incredibly personal because it deals with a topic I usually only discuss with friends and family. My goal is to describe my experiences in the hopes that they will help others…or maybe people will have some advice for me (which would be much appreciated).

This post is about dating and the reasons why I think I am still single (quite fitting for Post-Valentines Day weekend I think). It is a subject that I have been thinking a lot about recently and I just need to get the thoughts out of my head. I feel like I am driving myself crazy.

I have been single since June 2012.  One reason is probably because I am horrible at flirting. I don’t know how to talk or act in a way that shows a guy I am interested. I am great at talking to guys I don’t want to date. As soon as a crush develops, I feel incredibly nervous. Rather than sending the right signs to the guy, I can’t seem to form great sentences, be witty, or act like my normal bubbly self. All of my finesse in social situations seems to vanish when confronted with a boy pointing his handsome face at me.

Another reason is honestly because I chose to be. When I graduated college, I knew that my career path was going to be kind of crazy for a bit. It has been nice to make decisions just for my self without making sure it works well for a boyfriend as well. I was able to move to and from Los Angeles without any real baggage. This time has been crucial because I had to figure out more about myself before I could make room for someone else. I’m still figuring out my career situation, but I feel like now is a pretty good time for me. I think I’m ready.

However, I have found recently that the main reason why I am single is that men can be kind of confusing or crappy in their interactions with me. I have done online dating and met a few people in real life that I found interesting. However, I feel like I have a hard time figuring out men’s motivations and it makes me scared to put myself out there.

Here are some of the situations I have dealt with:

• My first example actually ends positively, but while it happened, I felt incredibly stupid. About two years ago, I had a crush on a co-worker. I made the dumb decision to tell another co-worker…who then went on to tell the coworker about my interest in him. A few days later, he came up to me and told me that he knew I had liked him. All of a sudden, I could feel my face flush and I was anticipating him confessing that he liked me too! However, that did not happen. The reverse actually occurred. He told me that he thought I was nice but he wasn’t interested. It was really embarrassing and made me feel awkward working with him the next day. I am glad he told me the truth though because we ended up having a nice conversation later on and his confession prevented me from pining over him longer than I needed to.
• Before I moved to California, I went on a date. He and I had a lot of fun and since we both knew I was moving in a few weeks, I assumed it was understood that it was very casual. However, a week after our date and texting back and forth, he sent me one more text telling me he wanted to stop because he thought it was getting too serious. My only thought then was “what the heck!!!” I thought we were on the same page, but clearly I was mistaken. It was all really frustrating and put a damper on the time we had hung out since it ended so awkwardly.
• I decided to join OKCupid in California. I was only on it for two weeks before I deactivated. The men on that website send incredibly odd messages. One guy decided to message me “can I ask you a personal question?” without any other conversation prior to that…so I just deleted that message. Another guy sent me a crazy long message with the first paragraph describing what he liked from my profile, saying he was humble, and then going on for another paragraph about what made him a great guy.   Nowhere in his message did he actually ask me a question about myself or say anything that motivated me to write back. I am glad I deactivated because other than a few nice messages, many of them were kind of rude or just plain alarming. The only positive was that I started talking to a guy that I went on two dates with. He was really attractive and funny. Superficially though, I got frustrated with him because when we went to see a movie he would NOT stop heckling and talking. I can handle some quiet comments or jokes between a friend and me during a movie, but he just went on and on. It was annoying and embarrassing. So much so…that I kissed him just to stop him…I know it sent the wrong message, but it did shut him up for a bit. Even more importantly though, he made comments that did not sit well with me on our second date. I am usually fine with some un-PC jokes, but his crossed a line that I did not like. After that date, I told him I wasn’t interested in seeing him again and that was the end of that.
• Right before I moved back to Virginia, I started Coffee Meets Bagel. A phone app/website that sends you one match per day that you can like or dislike. If you like each other, the app creates a text messaging line to start a conversation. A week after I arrived in Richmond, I went on the worst date of my life so far. When I walked up to him and smiled and waved, all he did was nod. He chose really odd conversation topics and it all felt very forced. The date was in Williamsburg so after we had dinner we walked around the William and Mary campus. A guy ran past us and my date commented on how he wouldn’t run another marathon because it was too hard on his body. I thought, “Awesome! Something we have in common.” So, I told him that I had also run a marathon and asked if he’d gotten a 26.2 sticker for his car. He said, “No, only douchebags get those stickers for their cars.” I then told him how I have one on my car. He then said, “Well, point taken.” We then promptly walked back to our cars and called it a night. It was such a strange date from the beginning and was not great for my confidence level. I think that I like a guy who wants to pursue me and he clearly wasn’t interested at all from the moment he saw me. I never heard from him again and I am glad. The entire night was so uncomfortable.
• Finally, most recently, I had a major crush on a guy who SEEMED to show interest in me. We had great conversations and texted really late at night until I’d fall asleep. He’d like almost everything I’d post to Facebook. I’d go to certain events with him and I thought there was a real chemistry between us. And then, after a whole weekend of fun texts sent back and forth, we were hanging out with a few friends when he said to one of the other guys that he was “talking with some other girl” and was planning to visit Charlottesville with her. I was definitely not the person he was describing and I felt incredibly stupid. A real possibility is that maybe I was reading into things too much. However, I also know after talking with my family and friends and showing them our messages that he was acting like a jerk. One of my friends made the comment that he didn’t seem to want to make up his mind and was trying to keep me as a Plan B. Whether or not that is true doesn’t matter, but my friend helped me realize that I needed to take a major step back.  I have a lot to offer someone and if he chooses someone else, it’s clear he isn’t right for me.  Since he started dating this other girl, I have found out a lot of other facts about him that further prove that point to me. I thought I was pretty good at reading people but now I am not so sure. It makes me fearful to put myself out there because it turns out some guys are really great at manipulating a girl’s emotions and playing games. The hardest thing for me is that I come from a family with five daughters. I never had many close guy friends when I was younger. So, when I clicked so well with someone, I read into it as a deeper connection than it apparently was. It’s hard to trust myself with others after that situation.

I know my self worth needs to come from within. I know my happiness does not does depend on whether a man wants to be with me, but it does feel amazing to be wanted by someone else. With my first relationship, it was clear that he wanted to date me and took it seriously. He actively pursued me and made me feel special. Now that I am no longer in college, I don’t know how it will happen again. I am a relationship person and, sometimes even more than my career, I yearn to get married and have children. Countless people have told me not to worry because I am so young and that one day I’ll meet someone and just KNOW that he’s the one. I don’t care what my age is, I still want to be with someone. Most of these people telling me to relax are already in relationships and lucky enough to have found someone that loves them. Some of them are already engaged or getting married.

I know that I have to keep putting myself out there. Obviously, I’ve now done some online dating. It still really weirds me out (no matter how many friends tell me it has worked for them). I started OKCupid again for about three weeks and deactivated again last week. A guy sent me “do you want to sex chat?” as his initial message and I was grossed out…UGH! Maybe match.com will be better?? I have been looking into sports teams or social groups here in Richmond and found some potentially fun ones to join. I keep thinking that maybe once I have a full time job in my field, maybe everything will fall into place. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. I love LOVE and I DO have faith that I will find someone one day.

It is just so hard to be patient.

Especially in February.