Happiness

Ever since I decided to move back to the East Coast about 2 weeks ago, I have felt a huge weight has lifted off of me.  Just that feeling alone is what has taken away any of my doubts in this decision.  As I was considering what to do on August 1st when my lease was up on the place I have been renting, a lot of people told me to stick it out just a little bit longer. I was in the process of having to find a new apartment on my own and a new room mate since the one I have now told me he is living with someone else at the end of the month.  I mulled it over for a really long time. I talked with a lot of people and sent messages back and forth with friends and family to hear about their experiences.  I even found a complete stranger on imdb.com who is a PA on a production in Wilmington, North Carolina.  I connected with him on linkedin.com and sent him a message to hear about his job and and his perspective on working in that state.  Surprisingly, he did respond!  After all of my self reflection and conversations, I came to a great realization.   I don’t have a job keeping me in Los Angeles, a boyfriend or husband, and obviously no kids.  If I am not happy here, there is nothing holding me back from going anywhere else.  I am in my 20s with a refreshing amount of freedom.

I know, just based on the kind of person I am, that if I was to stick it out a little longer, I would find a job within my college major and friends who would help the loneliness fade a little bit.  I know that once I got a position as a PA or assistant editor, that it would make me happier than I have felt the entire six months I have been out here.  But, I know that even if I got that job and more friends, I would still not be happy out here.  It is just not the place I feel like I am myself.  I have always been a positive person.  I look for the good things in life, and love singing and dancing and being goofy with people. I love talking about my family and friends and being there for them in the up and down times in life. Out here I have become a super negative person.  I have even found the intense and continuous amount of sun out here ANNOYING!  Most people are like, don’t you love it!? Isn’t it awesome!?  NO, I am probably in the minority, but no I don’t love it.  I cry all the time.  I feel horrible that 90% of the conversations I have with people have involved me being upset with everything. I ran a marathon back in October.  I trained for six months to get fit and watched what I ate.  Out here I have absolutely lost all of that motivation.  I know I feel awful about having gained 30 or so pounds but I still would rather sleep most of the time than go to the gym or out for a run.  I look in the mirror and feel really disgusted by myself.  I hang out 90% of the time by myself…sometimes by choice and a lot of the time because of reasons I can’t control. Everyone I talked to told me the transition to LA would be hard and it would take awhile to get comfortable here.  While all this is true,  I think these past 6 months have been enough time for me. The thought of signing a lease and living out here for another year felt like torture.

The fact that I am moving back does not mean that I am giving up my dreams to work in the film and television industry.  That idea was the scariest one for me to figure out.   How could I move closer to home (be only a drive or bus ride rather than a flight home), and get the support from family and friends that I need, while still pursue the only career goals I have ever had for myself? I realized I just had to alter how I will achieve that dream.  Yeah, LA is where the big studios are, but there are also opportunities in Silver Springs, Maryland and Wilmington, North Carolina.  I could move to Georgia, Lousiana, as well as one of the places I have always dreamed of living, New York City, and also find possible job positions. In LA, I am one of thousands vying for the same positions.  Hopefully in other cities, I will be a bigger fish in a smaller pond.  More people will hopefully recognize the college I went to and know the kind of work ethic I have.  It is going to be hard no matter where I go because film and television is not an easy industry to get steady work in, but I think being closer to my family and friends is really going to change my whole mindset. My plan as of right now is to move to Richmond, VA.  I have transferred to a Starbucks near my sister, brother-in-law, and niece’s home.  I have applied and called a bunch of studios in the area.  Luckily the Virginia Film Office is in Richmond and I have applied for an internship  there.  I also receive Virginia Production Alliance listserv emails every week with possible leads.  Once I’m settled back on the East and have built my savings back up, I will look into the other film centric cities on the East Coast and figure out the next place I want to move to.  I already know that I have several people who I am planning to work out with which I know is going to improve my emotional and (obviously) my physical state.

I don’t regret moving to California.  This year will hopefully be one that I can look back on and say I learned a lot about myself and what  I want out of life.  The fact that I can say I lived in another state on the opposite side of country from home is also a pretty cool achievement!  I have met a bunch of great people.  I got the opportunity to be an extra on Parks and Rec and shake Amy Pohler and Adam Scott’s hands.  I hiked Runyon Canyon.  I saw the red carpet being set up for the Veronica Mars movie (a movie which I was a Kickstarter backer!!!!!) at the Chinese Theater.  I got PAID and loved assisting at outdoor film screenings like I did back in college as a part of AMP (William and Mary’s activities programming board)!  I have seen my sister Heidi more these past couple months than I have in years which has meant a lot to me.  I also learned a lot about the kind of person I want to be.  I have gained a bigger appreciation for where I come from and the opportunities that DO exist there.  Maybe one day I will have a job that will allow me to travel back and forth between LA and where I live at the time.  Maybe I’ll move back to the East Coast…and decide I want to move back.   I really doubt this will happen but at this stage in my life I do have the freedom to do that as I explore the paths I want to take in life.  Plus, no matter what I will definitely come back and visit.

Who knows what the next couple years will bring my way!  All I know is that in exactly two weeks from now, my mom and I will be in the car on the way to our first pit stop on the way back to VA: The Grand Canyon.  I am so excited to see her and all the plans I already have for the week that I arrive in VA.  I have a lot of details I still need to organize.  I still have to sell my bed and pack up all my belongings back into my tiny car.  I want to see a bunch of people before I leave. But overall, I feel ready to go.  I feel HAPPY.